Happy New Year

Right now, I'm a little sad because this New Years is sort of dry. My family just got done moving into an apartment. I'm exhausted. Worst of all, my fiance isn't here. What happened to the days of staying out all night, laying on a blanket outside, looking at the stars, throwing bottle rockets, and laughing until my stomach hurt? Once, when I was a child I watched the news with my parents on New Years Eve, and the anchorwoman said how people would make as much noise as possible when the New Year rolled around, so I took pots and pans out of our cabinets and banged them to celebrate. Now, I feel old, dry, and sad. I'll probably be asleep when 2010 makes her debut. Happy New Year.

Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

There are days when I despise wedding planning! It's so hard, and I feel like I am trying to please everyone; but, then there are days when I love it. I'm glad now that I kept the wedding in June and at the beach. It feels comfortable and natural. I feel like I have so much time to make it how I want it - a day all about me! lol. Seriously, that's what it is, isn't it? A day about the bride, and it should be. Because after that, I'll live to serve my family. That's how my mom is. She lives to serve everyone and most likely I will too. So my wedding day, June 26, 2010, is going to be selfish. Watch out! A bridezilla in the making! muahahaha!

Seriously though. Today I could not stop looking at my wedding dress, and I played with my veil. I thought about putting the dress on again, but I was afraid of seeming too eccentric. lol. I am so excited. I have my second wind. I hope to book the florist this week and look at the rental equipment. This holiday hasn't been the best, but this is my ray of sunshine. It makes me happy to think about my wedding day. It's going to be wonderful and not just because it's selfish or because it's a great party, but because I am marrying the only man I am willing to spend the rest of my life with. And that's why I want to make it a wonderful day - the perfect day to start our lives off with.

Last day in Grand Isle

Today was my last day in Grand Isle. I'm going to miss everyone there, especially the children. It's kinda funny, because when I first got there I semi-joked about not liking children. I think I didn't like them at first because I was overwhelmed by so many of them, but soon I grew used to them and loved them. Also today, my fiance preached at a church that is looking at him to be pastor. He loves preaching. He actually ran from the calling for a long time, but now he loves it - especially knowing he has a chance. Still, we can't help but sit and wonder as he waits if he'll get it. If he doesn't, we'll know it's God's will but I still think we'll be a little disappointed. They've heard him preach three times now, and they have treated us like family. We love them and it would feel cruel if they said no, but God has a plan. We just have to have faith. So now, we are playing the waiting game.

I am venturing forth with the wedding planning. I'm thinking about changing the location from a beach wedding to a little park in Tim's hometown where we used to hang out. It has special memories attached to it. I'm still not sure. I'll update more on wedding stuff later. Have a good day!

Big Ball of Rubber Bands

I like to scroll through pictures on facebook. Not just my pictures, but everyone's pictures. Even people I hardly talk to. I look through mine and they look different from the others' pictures. Maybe because I know myself. I've never felt like I've had a lot of friends. I suppose I do, but I've always pretty much kept to myself. I don't go out a lot. I'm not the life of the party. I don't like to be around large groups of people at once. Actually, I'd prefer one on one time to anything, which makes choosing really hard. I think I've been oblivious to what people have really thought about me until lately, which I think I can probably guess now. They probably think I'm careless, forgetful, and wishy-washy and I am, because I'm always looking for the easiest way and the best solution. I'd like to say I am resourceful, carefree, and spontaneous. ha! I think I am also a people pleaser and I really don't want anyone to think badly of me, but they do. They must, I'm sure. Why all this reflection? I have no idea. Maybe because I feel really alone right now. Wow! What a pity party I have here. So here is my life. It's a big ball of rubber bands, because there's so much to it, and it's all tangled and confusing. Plus, I just bounce along. Someone close says I'm always like, "Lalalalala, I'm Kendall!" Big ball of Rubber Bands! You gotta love the alliteration!

Miss Kendall, why you got holes all over your face?

I substituted at school today. I had 4th and 5th grade until 2pm, and 7th grade until 3:13. I always dread middle school. That's just such an awkward phase for anyone. I hated middle school when I was a kid. It was the worst! I was chunky, I couldn't see well; and worst of all, I had horrible acne! A pound of Acutane, a year of basketball, a couple of contacts, and a few years later, I was all better, leaving my middle school days behind and looking forward to what was ahead. But, I have a few souvenirs from those days that I'll carry around forever. Those being the scars all over my face. Really, I completely forgot about them. They just became something I lived with. They aren't that bad. Or so I thought until a seventh grader looked up at me and said, "Miss Kendall, why you got holes all over your face?" I turned a bright red I think. I just made a joke about it, and the kids around the room yelled at him for being so rude. I should probably always be conscious of the scars since I have been asked that question over a dozen times. Sometimes, the scars are referred to as "holes," sometimes as "dimples," sometimes as "scars," and sometimes as "marks;" but, no matter how they ask, it always makes me feel ugly and I am always too baffled to really answer. I'm better now though. Nothing my sweet fiance couldn't fix. Anyway, that's my snipit for the day. Peace.

This past week and other things...

This past week was Thanksgiving week! The great thing about Thanksgiving is that we don't just get up and celebrate the day, we have the Thanksgiving hype all week long. It's such a happy week. Yes, we eat but we love being together.

So this past week, I got a new hairstyle. Jessica cut and colored my hair. I really like it. My mom didn't care for it. I think it's funny, because now I look like my two sisters and my mom. They have dark brown hair. Mine was light brown/dark blond. Also, this week, I spent so much time with my fiance that I am still in the clouds. I love him so much. I don't really want to think about how I'm not sure when I'll see him again. We are both very busy.

Today, I substituted. Those middle school kids really let me down. They don't really know anything, it seems. They whine all the time and complain, and one asked today what the constitution is. Maybe they do that to get under my skin. If students today do not even know their basic rights, how will they know when those rights are taken away? Surely the few students here do not reflect every student in the U.S., so hopefully there is hope. Still I can't help but think of a friend who told me that she was a student teacher in a high school where most of the students in the homeroom did not know the entire Pledge of Allegiance. If this is the case with all of our students, then I have seen our future and it is grim- full of leaders who repeat history because they are not informed, who only read or write when they are forced, and who never look beyond the surface of anything or anyone. Lord help us.

5 days closer and I lie

Today was a good and busy day- just what I needed. I've been working on being positive since Monday. Everything is satisfactory, but right now I miss Tim so much. I feel like my heart sinks deeper toward my back as I lie here thinking about him. All I can think about is that I am 5 days closer to seeing him, along with our families. What a wonderful time of the year!

(Just a side note for all of you to know. I've been using lay and lie wrong until now. So here's a grammar tidbit I learned. Lay is only used with a direct object, such as "I lay the clothes on the table," while lie has no direct object, such as "I lie on the bed." Really, every girl I know uses the two words incorrectly because every girl I know "lays" out. Instead, we should say, "I am going to lie in the sunlight. This just sounds strange. One, because it sounds like you are going to tell an untruth while standing in a stream of sunlight; and, two, because let's be honest, we're just too lazy to say that much about something we do to relax. lol)

Slow Trickling Stream

This is an experiment to just let my thoughts stream. It's called stream of consciousness. To just type like I'm thinking, but first I have to pause and calm my thoughts....meditate.
...
Thinking of brokenness and how I am sort of broken. I have a small room, and small things. I have little compared to most citizens of the United States, but I'm not really asking for a lot. Love.....love is so complicated because we really don't know what it means. That it means work. Sometimes love is hard work for me. I get frustrated when Tim doesn't listen but I never stop loving him, even when I don't want to at times. Everybody has problems. There's no quick fix. My mom suggested once that I needed depression pills, but I came out of the crisis fine. Now it seems minor. I'm glad that I was pushed to the edge of impossibly overwhelming sadness, because now happiness seems so much sweeter. I can't wait to live in N.O., but part of my heart will be here. Sometimes I look at a website with sad stories. I'm pretty sure that I've listened to "Fireflies" five times already. I just enjoy the sappiness, whimsical, innocence of it all. And I do want Earth to turn slowly sometimes. How can people put one label on someone? Those people deserving of one label, as well as those who choose to place only one label on persons, must be very simple, because I feel like I should have more than one label, or a blender of labels. I think I'm inner emo romantic eccentric poet and outer beach bum lazy sort of tom boy easygoing girl. Just girl, because I feel too confused in life to say "woman," because it sounds like such a big title. I want to be a wordsmith like Shakespeare, and I don't want to take words for granted anymore; but, I can't help myself from saying "like" a million times a day so that word has virtually lost it's meaning, along with "awesome" and "cool." Sometimes I just make noises when I'm listening. I sort of think that it's more meaningful because I created it.
...
I don't think my stream of consciousness is a big strong stream, just a slow trickling stream.

Today:
Made flyers, made a schedule, stapled papers, helped children learn Christmas songs, and did cub scout stuff. About to watch a television show. Peace.

What is a substitute teacher?

Today I substituted. Now, I'm sitting here thinking about exactly what that means. The problem is that I become so emotional with the whole thing. Maybe I take it way too seriously. Here is how it went today.

So I'm sitting there, my nose in a book, not wanting to pay attention even though I can pretty much see everything in my peripherals. The students are so.....squirmy. It's almost like their seats have an electric shock and they just can't sit in them. The teacher doesn't really leave anything to do so they are there talking, to the best of their ability, above each other until it grows louder and louder. I just want to lay down. I'm not feeling so good, and they are pushing me to the edge. Well, they finally do because I yell at them. This happens over and over, with the three grades I sub for in a day.
It's kind of a sad story. One period, everyone practically ignores what I say while one kid is threatening the others, trying to help me, but what he doesn't know is that he is just making matters worse because, one, they don't respect him because he is too old to be in that grade; and, two because I don't respect him because the class before he busts in (in all of his hormone raging, over testosteroned anguish) and threatens to beat the (insert one of the two words appropriate) out of another student. And this is how it goes. These are the students pretty much all the time, and the sad story isn't necessarily all about them, but about me too. Why? Because these are the kids that I first saw three months ago as I bounced through the doors of the school. Yes, bounced, because I had heard so many terrible things about them; yet, I wanted to help them. I really did. Although they are intolerable at times, I really wanted to be there for them and I tried. But, they didn't respond and now here I am in the same seat as everyone else, not hoping, not caring, putting my nose in a book to ignore them because they don't want to care and they don't want me to care. At least it seems that way. So, I'll leave and move on and never think twice about it. Isn't that sad?
And why does it have to be so? I suppose because I am after all just a substitute, not a "real" teacher. I am like the generic, an Equate teacher. The brand name is more valuable, and in all honesty the real teacher has way more work to do. I'm just a babysitter. This isn't so sad though, because I didn't want to be the brand name real thing. I just have to move forward and pray that student will break out of the year after year apathy trend.

Today....

Taking Jessica's advice, I started this blog. She'll be my sister-in-law soon and her blog is www.jessicamorgan.blogspot.com. It's sort of funny to me that I started it today. Today has been sort of boring, but in weeks past I've had some excitement such as a convention, first time pumpkin carving, festivals, whip cream fights, frustrations, fascinating restaurants and those sort of things. You know, the exciting stuff. But today, I am laying around all day fighting a sinus infection. I did speak at church today, me and all my clogged nose glory. haha. Right now, all I can think about is Thanksgiving and seeing family. Thanksgiving family forcast: Partly in-laws with a chance of turkey. And yes, I am corny....and just looking for a way to keep you reading. God bless.