A big decision to be smaller.

Right now, it's 11:32pm. I was in the shower earlier, where I do a lot of serious thinking, and I decided that I am just tired of myself. Not tired of my witty personality of course! Just tired of my body and the way I've been functioning lately. I have went through some major changes lately:  getting married, moving to a new town, quitting my job, discontinuing grad school, and so on. My husband has gone through a lot of changes too. He started grad school, got a new job, moved to a new town, and got married. Both of us have gained weight and we're tired of it, especially me. Not only have I gained a lot of weight, but I have also had a severe decrease in self-esteem. Partly because I'm confused about what to do in life and because I sit around the house most of the time. The weight sure doesn't help the self-esteem either. To make things worse, I haven't even done anything about all this. Well now, I've decided to quit being a baby and do something. For part one, I've decided to quit facebook until I lose 20 pounds. It will be a challenge, because I love getting online to look at pictures of my neices and nephews, but I've decided that my big prize will be to enjoy something again that I gave up. Meanwhile, I will track my progress on this blog. I probably won't write great long articles, but I'll at least post how it's going. It's time to get healthy!

Date: 12/10/2010
Weight: 181

Recession Depression

Hey there. I haven't blogged in a while. My life has been exceedingly busy and exceedingly depressing. I've gotten a lot of wedding stuff done. I bought my invitations, my guest book, pen, garter set, flower girl basket and pillow. Here are some pics. So I should be happy, eh? Well, not really. I wouldn't have bought all this stupid stuff if I had known I was going to get a speeding ticket. And yes, all this stuff is stupid to me right now, because I just wanted a beautiful wedding but this is not the year for it. I had everything budgeted just right until the ticket. And then, to top it off, I got lost in a little town, wasn't paying attention, ran a stop sign and got another ticket. And the cops never have mercy on me. Now, I'm stuck with these tickets that they only gave me two weeks to pay. I mean at least give me more time. Geez. Honestly, I thought I was doing very well. I haven't gotten a ticket in a while and I really wasn't in a hurry. I think my mind has been on so much lately that I can't pay attention. I'm in grad school, planning a wedding, my fiance just became a preacher, and I'm depressed. That last one I didn't even know. My fiance became concerned when he observed the way I handle problems. Obviously, laying in the bed crying all day is not handling it well. Also, thinking of yourself as worthless and thinking that no one likes you are also signs of depression. Oh yeah, and not taking care of yourself too. I know this is gross but I don't even shower every day, and I don't even brush my hair all the time, and I just throw on sweat pants a lot. I used to put on makeup, but not anymore. I just feel so tired. Oh, and my mind is always on something else. Hence, the speeding tickets. And did you know that those who are depressed get more traffic violations? I actually laughed out loud when I read that in the text book, which was after all this talk of depression and all the speeding tickets went down. I did notice I've been much sadder and out of energy lately, but I didn't know it was that bad. I feel sorry for my fiance because I've been counting on him to make me feel better all the time and if he didn't, I was irritable. And I still am. I'm really working on it. I'm receiving my MA in Marriage and Family Counseling and the textbook actually confirmed my symptoms. I knew it was really bad when I skipped school and thought about quitting. I just didn't want to go back. But now that I know, I am taking steps to feel better, like exercising and thinking positive. I'm also supposed to see a counselor soon. Well, I gotta go, but I just want to let you know that depression is real and I hope those who feel it can get good help. Thanks for reading.

Changes

Here comes the change. It's a new year, I am about to move to New Orleans, I am going to get married, and my fiance is a pastor. He got the call yesterday from a church that voted him in. We are super excited. God has blessed us abundantly, and we don't deserve any of it. For a Christian, at times the line seems almost invisible between pride and confidence; and, sin scurries and twists in riddles. There is always a point with me where I think I am smart and have achieved things based on my own works, but God has shown me that I am born absolutely deprived. The beauty of the gospel is that Jesus helps us live through a totally hopeless situation. He took the wrath on our behalf. Everything we have touched has been created by God; therefore, our works are not achievable without God in the first place. I'm reflecting on all these changes, and it's hard for me to grasp exactly what to do, which proves I have no control. Honestly, I don't want control. I just want to live daily in the right direction. I am rambling now. Anyway, I am so excited for Tim. This is a big responsibility though, and being a preacher's wife is a big responsibility too.

Happy New Year

Right now, I'm a little sad because this New Years is sort of dry. My family just got done moving into an apartment. I'm exhausted. Worst of all, my fiance isn't here. What happened to the days of staying out all night, laying on a blanket outside, looking at the stars, throwing bottle rockets, and laughing until my stomach hurt? Once, when I was a child I watched the news with my parents on New Years Eve, and the anchorwoman said how people would make as much noise as possible when the New Year rolled around, so I took pots and pans out of our cabinets and banged them to celebrate. Now, I feel old, dry, and sad. I'll probably be asleep when 2010 makes her debut. Happy New Year.

Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married...

There are days when I despise wedding planning! It's so hard, and I feel like I am trying to please everyone; but, then there are days when I love it. I'm glad now that I kept the wedding in June and at the beach. It feels comfortable and natural. I feel like I have so much time to make it how I want it - a day all about me! lol. Seriously, that's what it is, isn't it? A day about the bride, and it should be. Because after that, I'll live to serve my family. That's how my mom is. She lives to serve everyone and most likely I will too. So my wedding day, June 26, 2010, is going to be selfish. Watch out! A bridezilla in the making! muahahaha!

Seriously though. Today I could not stop looking at my wedding dress, and I played with my veil. I thought about putting the dress on again, but I was afraid of seeming too eccentric. lol. I am so excited. I have my second wind. I hope to book the florist this week and look at the rental equipment. This holiday hasn't been the best, but this is my ray of sunshine. It makes me happy to think about my wedding day. It's going to be wonderful and not just because it's selfish or because it's a great party, but because I am marrying the only man I am willing to spend the rest of my life with. And that's why I want to make it a wonderful day - the perfect day to start our lives off with.

Last day in Grand Isle

Today was my last day in Grand Isle. I'm going to miss everyone there, especially the children. It's kinda funny, because when I first got there I semi-joked about not liking children. I think I didn't like them at first because I was overwhelmed by so many of them, but soon I grew used to them and loved them. Also today, my fiance preached at a church that is looking at him to be pastor. He loves preaching. He actually ran from the calling for a long time, but now he loves it - especially knowing he has a chance. Still, we can't help but sit and wonder as he waits if he'll get it. If he doesn't, we'll know it's God's will but I still think we'll be a little disappointed. They've heard him preach three times now, and they have treated us like family. We love them and it would feel cruel if they said no, but God has a plan. We just have to have faith. So now, we are playing the waiting game.

I am venturing forth with the wedding planning. I'm thinking about changing the location from a beach wedding to a little park in Tim's hometown where we used to hang out. It has special memories attached to it. I'm still not sure. I'll update more on wedding stuff later. Have a good day!

Big Ball of Rubber Bands

I like to scroll through pictures on facebook. Not just my pictures, but everyone's pictures. Even people I hardly talk to. I look through mine and they look different from the others' pictures. Maybe because I know myself. I've never felt like I've had a lot of friends. I suppose I do, but I've always pretty much kept to myself. I don't go out a lot. I'm not the life of the party. I don't like to be around large groups of people at once. Actually, I'd prefer one on one time to anything, which makes choosing really hard. I think I've been oblivious to what people have really thought about me until lately, which I think I can probably guess now. They probably think I'm careless, forgetful, and wishy-washy and I am, because I'm always looking for the easiest way and the best solution. I'd like to say I am resourceful, carefree, and spontaneous. ha! I think I am also a people pleaser and I really don't want anyone to think badly of me, but they do. They must, I'm sure. Why all this reflection? I have no idea. Maybe because I feel really alone right now. Wow! What a pity party I have here. So here is my life. It's a big ball of rubber bands, because there's so much to it, and it's all tangled and confusing. Plus, I just bounce along. Someone close says I'm always like, "Lalalalala, I'm Kendall!" Big ball of Rubber Bands! You gotta love the alliteration!