A big decision to be smaller.

Right now, it's 11:32pm. I was in the shower earlier, where I do a lot of serious thinking, and I decided that I am just tired of myself. Not tired of my witty personality of course! Just tired of my body and the way I've been functioning lately. I have went through some major changes lately:  getting married, moving to a new town, quitting my job, discontinuing grad school, and so on. My husband has gone through a lot of changes too. He started grad school, got a new job, moved to a new town, and got married. Both of us have gained weight and we're tired of it, especially me. Not only have I gained a lot of weight, but I have also had a severe decrease in self-esteem. Partly because I'm confused about what to do in life and because I sit around the house most of the time. The weight sure doesn't help the self-esteem either. To make things worse, I haven't even done anything about all this. Well now, I've decided to quit being a baby and do something. For part one, I've decided to quit facebook until I lose 20 pounds. It will be a challenge, because I love getting online to look at pictures of my neices and nephews, but I've decided that my big prize will be to enjoy something again that I gave up. Meanwhile, I will track my progress on this blog. I probably won't write great long articles, but I'll at least post how it's going. It's time to get healthy!

Date: 12/10/2010
Weight: 181

Recession Depression

Hey there. I haven't blogged in a while. My life has been exceedingly busy and exceedingly depressing. I've gotten a lot of wedding stuff done. I bought my invitations, my guest book, pen, garter set, flower girl basket and pillow. Here are some pics. So I should be happy, eh? Well, not really. I wouldn't have bought all this stupid stuff if I had known I was going to get a speeding ticket. And yes, all this stuff is stupid to me right now, because I just wanted a beautiful wedding but this is not the year for it. I had everything budgeted just right until the ticket. And then, to top it off, I got lost in a little town, wasn't paying attention, ran a stop sign and got another ticket. And the cops never have mercy on me. Now, I'm stuck with these tickets that they only gave me two weeks to pay. I mean at least give me more time. Geez. Honestly, I thought I was doing very well. I haven't gotten a ticket in a while and I really wasn't in a hurry. I think my mind has been on so much lately that I can't pay attention. I'm in grad school, planning a wedding, my fiance just became a preacher, and I'm depressed. That last one I didn't even know. My fiance became concerned when he observed the way I handle problems. Obviously, laying in the bed crying all day is not handling it well. Also, thinking of yourself as worthless and thinking that no one likes you are also signs of depression. Oh yeah, and not taking care of yourself too. I know this is gross but I don't even shower every day, and I don't even brush my hair all the time, and I just throw on sweat pants a lot. I used to put on makeup, but not anymore. I just feel so tired. Oh, and my mind is always on something else. Hence, the speeding tickets. And did you know that those who are depressed get more traffic violations? I actually laughed out loud when I read that in the text book, which was after all this talk of depression and all the speeding tickets went down. I did notice I've been much sadder and out of energy lately, but I didn't know it was that bad. I feel sorry for my fiance because I've been counting on him to make me feel better all the time and if he didn't, I was irritable. And I still am. I'm really working on it. I'm receiving my MA in Marriage and Family Counseling and the textbook actually confirmed my symptoms. I knew it was really bad when I skipped school and thought about quitting. I just didn't want to go back. But now that I know, I am taking steps to feel better, like exercising and thinking positive. I'm also supposed to see a counselor soon. Well, I gotta go, but I just want to let you know that depression is real and I hope those who feel it can get good help. Thanks for reading.

Changes

Here comes the change. It's a new year, I am about to move to New Orleans, I am going to get married, and my fiance is a pastor. He got the call yesterday from a church that voted him in. We are super excited. God has blessed us abundantly, and we don't deserve any of it. For a Christian, at times the line seems almost invisible between pride and confidence; and, sin scurries and twists in riddles. There is always a point with me where I think I am smart and have achieved things based on my own works, but God has shown me that I am born absolutely deprived. The beauty of the gospel is that Jesus helps us live through a totally hopeless situation. He took the wrath on our behalf. Everything we have touched has been created by God; therefore, our works are not achievable without God in the first place. I'm reflecting on all these changes, and it's hard for me to grasp exactly what to do, which proves I have no control. Honestly, I don't want control. I just want to live daily in the right direction. I am rambling now. Anyway, I am so excited for Tim. This is a big responsibility though, and being a preacher's wife is a big responsibility too.